Why Do I Feel So Anxious and Confused When Dating? A Schema Therapy Perspective

Have you ever come home from a date feeling quite confused about how you actually feel?

Perhaps part of you thinks, "That was great. I'd really like to see him again."

But another part feels anxious. You're wondering whether he liked you, whether you said the right things or whether you'll hear from him again.

And perhaps there's another part of you that feels relieved the date is over.

How can you have so many different feelings about the same experience?

Well, one of the things I want to explain is that there isn't just one part of you evaluating what's happening when you're dating.

We all have different parts of ourselves, and these parts can interpret the same situation in very different ways.

In Schema Therapy, we call these different parts of ourselves modes.

Understanding your modes can be incredibly helpful, particularly if you've experienced a pattern of difficult relationships, felt repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable partners or found yourself staying in relationships that weren't good for you.

Because sometimes, the part of you making your dating decisions isn't necessarily the part that's best equipped to make them.

Why dating can feel so complicated

Some dating experiences are relatively straightforward.

You meet someone, you enjoy their company, they seem emotionally available and there's a growing sense of mutual interest.

Or perhaps you meet someone and quickly realise that they're not right for you. You don't feel particularly attracted to them, or there are obvious behaviours that concern you.

In these situations, it may be fairly easy to make up your mind.

But what about when it's more complicated?

What happens when there are parts of someone you really like and other parts that don't feel good?

Perhaps there's strong chemistry, wonderful conversation and a sense of connection. But you're also noticing inconsistency, emotional distance or behaviour that leaves you feeling uncomfortable.

This mixture of good and bad can create a great deal of internal conflict.

One part of you wants to continue. Another part is concerned. And another part may be frightened of losing the relationship altogether.

These are the situations in which we particularly need to recruit the healthy, wise part of ourselves.

So let's look at three broad parts of ourselves that can become active when we're dating.

1. The Vulnerable Child: The part of you carrying old emotional wounds

In Schema Therapy, we talk about the Vulnerable Child Mode.

This is the part of you that carries the old emotional wounds of the past.

It may carry feelings associated with your Abandonment Schema, Emotional Deprivation Schema or Defectiveness Schema, for example.

Perhaps it's the part of you that fears being left or rejected.

Perhaps it's the part that has never quite felt emotionally understood or cared for.

Or perhaps it's the part that carries a longstanding feeling of not being good enough.

These vulnerable parts of ourselves are connected to emotional needs that weren't adequately met earlier in life.

And I want to emphasise something important here.

Your Vulnerable Child is not a bad part of you.

It's a part that needs understanding, compassion and healing.

But when this vulnerable part is front and centre, making important decisions about dating and relationships, difficulties can arise.

When familiarity feels like compatibility

One of the most important things to understand about the Vulnerable Child is that it can mistake familiarity for safety and emotional compatibility.

This is something I discuss in my work on schema chemistry.

I use the term implicit recognition to describe the way we can be drawn towards familiar emotional dynamics without consciously recognising what is happening.

For example, if you've grown up experiencing emotional deprivation, you may find yourself repeatedly attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable.

There's something familiar about the dynamic.

And that familiarity can create a powerful sense of attraction, even when the person isn't capable of meeting your emotional needs.

The Vulnerable Child may be hoping, in some way, to finally get those unmet needs satisfied.

This is one of the reasons I place so much emphasis on healing the vulnerable parts of ourselves, particularly the Abandonment Schema.

When these schemas are highly active, they can significantly influence who we feel drawn towards and what we're prepared to tolerate in relationships.

What does your Vulnerable Child say after a date?

Imagine you've just been on a date with someone you like.

Your Vulnerable Child might start saying things such as:

• "Oh, I really hope he likes me."

• "Did I talk too much?"

• "Maybe I shouldn't have said that."

• "I wonder if I scared him away."

• "Perhaps I shouldn't have disagreed with him."

• "What if I never meet anybody else?"

• "I really need this to work."

Perhaps you were out for a drink and he wanted to sit outside, but you were cold and preferred to sit inside.

Later, you find yourself wondering whether you should have simply gone along with what he wanted.

Notice what's happening here.

Your focus has shifted away from your own experience and towards the question of whether you've done enough to secure his interest.

Instead of asking, "Do I like this person? How did I feel around him?" you may become preoccupied with "Does he like me? Am I good enough for him?"

Now, there's nothing inherently wrong with wondering whether someone liked you.

That's perfectly normal.

But when these questions become a major preoccupation, particularly when they trigger feelings of inadequacy or fear of rejection, your Vulnerable Child may be taking the lead.

And that's something worth recognising.

2. Your Dating Coping Modes: The parts trying to protect you

The second group of modes I want to talk about are your Dating Coping Modes.

These are the parts of ourselves that try to manage the emotional pain or vulnerability carried by the Vulnerable Child.

When a schema becomes activated, a coping mode may step in to protect us.

And there are several different ways this can happen.

You might recognise yourself in one of the following dating personas, or perhaps several of them.

The Pleaser: "Don't rock the boat"

The Pleaser wants to keep the peace.

It wants to avoid disagreement, disappointment or anything that might threaten the connection.

Its internal dialogue might sound something like:

"Don't make a fuss."

"Just go with what he wants."

"Be easy-going."

"Don't mention your preferences."

"Don't seem needy."

You might find yourself agreeing to things you don't really want to do or holding back your genuine opinions.

The Pleaser can be particularly active when you have schemas such as Subjugation or Approval-Seeking.

The difficulty is that you may begin accommodating the other person so much that you're no longer paying attention to your own needs and preferences.

And remember, you're supposed to be getting to know each other.

That includes allowing the other person to get to know the real you.

The Performer: "I have to be impressive"

Another common dating coping mode is what I call the Performer.

This is the part of you that feels you need to be interesting, attractive, engaging or somehow perfect in order to secure a connection.

It might say:

"Be impressive."

"Make sure you're interesting."

"You have to look attractive at all times."

"Don't make any mistakes."

"I need to make sure he likes me."

When this mode is active, dating can start to feel like a performance.

You may become highly self-conscious about how you're coming across.

And rather than simply enjoying the experience and getting to know the person in front of you, you're focused on making the right impression.

The Rescuer: "He just needs someone who understands him"

This is a particularly important coping mode to recognise.

The Rescuer often becomes active when you notice something concerning about the person you're dating.

Perhaps he's emotionally unavailable, inconsistent or behaves in a way that doesn't feel good.

Your Wise Self may be noticing that something isn't quite right.

But the Rescuer steps in with explanations.

"He's had a really difficult upbringing."

"He's been through a lot."

"He's probably just stressed."

"He didn't mean it."

"I can see the good in him."

"He just needs someone who understands him."

Now, none of these statements is necessarily wrong.

It's perfectly reasonable to have compassion for someone who's had a difficult life.

The problem arises when this way of thinking gets in the way of making a good decision for yourself.

When understanding someone's difficulties becomes a reason to overlook behaviour that is harmful, dismissive or consistently disappointing, your Rescuer may be interfering with your judgement.

The Self-Protector: "Don't let him know you care"

Not everyone responds to vulnerability by moving towards the other person.

Some people cope by keeping their distance.

This is where the Self-Protector can come in.

Its internal dialogue might sound like:

"Keep your cool."

"Don't get too invested."

"Don't let him know you're interested."

"Don't show that you care."

"Keep your distance."

You may avoid expressing genuine interest because you don't want to appear needy or vulnerable.

This can sometimes be seen in people with avoidant attachment patterns, but it can also occur in women who have learned to protect themselves from disappointment.

The difficulty is that this protective strategy can interfere with the development of genuine emotional intimacy.

Why recognising your coping modes matters

These modes are all trying to do something for you.

They're attempting to manage vulnerability or protect you from emotional pain.

But their strategies aren't always helpful.

The Pleaser may encourage you to suppress your needs.

The Performer may make you overly concerned with securing approval.

The Rescuer may encourage you to explain away concerning behaviour.

And the Self-Protector may prevent you from allowing a healthy connection to develop.

The aim isn't to criticise these parts of yourself.

It's to recognise them and understand what they're trying to do.

Because once you can recognise a coping mode, you have a better opportunity to decide whether you want to follow its advice.

3. Your Wise Self: The part you want leading your dating decisions

Now let's talk about the part of ourselves that we really want to strengthen.

In Schema Therapy, we call this the Healthy Adult Mode.

I also call it the Wise Self.

In fact, this is very much the thinking behind the name of my Love Wisely programmes.

The Wise Self is the part of you that can step back and look at a situation with perspective.

It can recognise your vulnerability.

It can understand why your coping modes are becoming active.

And it can evaluate the reality of the relationship without being completely driven by old fears or protective responses.

Your Wise Self wants what's best for you.

It wants you to be safe, happy and emotionally healthy.

And it wants you to have a relationship that genuinely meets your emotional needs.

The Wise Self isn't perfect. It isn't cold or cynical. It simply sees reality more clearly for what it is.

It can also be very kind towards your vulnerability.

It can recognise that a part of you is frightened of abandonment, for example, and respond with compassion rather than criticism.

But it doesn't allow that fear to automatically determine your next decision.

What questions does your Wise Self ask?

Rather than becoming heavily focused on whether someone likes you, your Wise Self asks a different set of questions.

For example:

• How did I feel around him?

• Was I able to be myself?

• Did he seem emotionally available?

• Was there evidence that he was genuinely interested in me?

• Did he ask questions and show curiosity about my life?

• Was there a sense of mutual interest?

• Were our conversations allowing a deeper connection to develop?

• How did he respond to my boundaries?

• What information do I actually have about this person?

These questions bring your attention back to the reality of the relationship.

And they help you evaluate whether the person you're dating is actually a good match for you.

Example 1: You have a great date, then he doesn't contact you

Let's imagine you go on a date and everything seems to go really well.

There's lots of conversation, you enjoy each other's company and you both mention that you'd like to see each other again.

But then two or three days go by and you haven't heard anything.

Now, different parts of you might interpret this situation very differently.

Your Vulnerable Child might say:

"Oh gosh, he's lost interest already."

"There's something wrong with me."

"I'm not important."

Your Pleaser might say:

"Don't say anything."

"Just wait."

"You don't want to seem needy."

Your Rescuer might say:

"He's probably really busy."

"He's had a stressful week."

"Maybe something's happened."

But what might your Wise Self say?

Something more like:

"Okay, this is interesting. This is information. I'm noticing a delay."

"One delayed message doesn't tell me everything, but consistency does matter."

"I'll pay attention to this."

Can you see the difference?

The Wise Self isn't automatically interpreting the delay as rejection.

But it's also not rushing to explain it away.

It's gathering information.

There's nothing wrong with expressing interest

Another point I want to make here is that there's nothing inherently needy about sending someone a straightforward message if you'd genuinely like to see them again.

You might say something like:

"Just checking in. The other night was really lovely. We mentioned catching up again. Would you like to meet on Sunday?"

You've simply expressed your interest.

You've been authentic.

And now you can see what happens.

If he responds positively, that's fine. You can continue getting to know him.

If he doesn't respond at all, well, that's information too.

And frankly, if you've had a lovely date, both expressed interest in meeting again and he then ignores a friendly invitation, that's poor communication.

You don't need to turn that into a story about your own worth.

His behaviour tells you something about him.

You can express interest without abandoning your dignity or self-respect.

Example 2: He makes a critical or dismissive comment

Here's another situation.

Imagine you've been on a few dates with someone and he makes a comment that's a little critical or dismissive.

Something about it doesn't sit well with you.

You notice that uncomfortable feeling.

But then your different modes may begin interpreting what happened.

Your Vulnerable Child might say:

"Maybe he's right."

"Perhaps I am a bit annoying."

"Maybe I'm not good enough."

If you have a Defectiveness Schema, that critical comment may activate an old belief about yourself.

Your Pleaser might say:

"Don't make a fuss."

"Don't say anything."

"It's not worth bringing up."

Your Rescuer might say:

"He didn't mean it."

"He's probably stressed."

"He's had a difficult time lately."

But your Wise Self might simply say:

"That didn't sit well with me."

"I'm going to pay attention to that."

Notice that the Wise Self doesn't necessarily make an immediate decision about the entire relationship.

But it doesn't dismiss the experience either.

It recognises that something has happened and that it's worth paying attention to.

And this is one of the reasons I encourage women to go slowly when getting to know someone.

You need time to gather information.

You need opportunities to observe how the person behaves in different situations.

And you need space to reflect on what you're noticing.

We don't want to become so swept away in an intimate connection that we lose sight of whether the person is actually emotionally safe and suitable for us.

Why your Wise Self needs to be in charge

One of the most useful questions you can ask yourself when dating is:

"Who is currently holding the microphone?"

Which part of you is speaking?

Is it your Vulnerable Child, frightened of rejection or abandonment?

Is it your Pleaser, trying to avoid upsetting someone?

Is it your Rescuer, explaining away behaviour that doesn't feel good?

Is it your Detached Protector, encouraging you to hide your interest?

Or is it your Wise Self, observing the situation and considering what's actually happening?

This is a very useful way to begin developing greater awareness of your internal responses.

Because many women unknowingly allow their wounded parts to make important dating decisions.

And those decisions can keep them repeating the same painful patterns.

The goal isn't to get rid of your vulnerable parts

I want to be very clear about something.

The goal is never to eliminate your Vulnerable Child.

That would be a form of self-abandonment.

Your vulnerable parts need to be understood, cared for and healed.

And the goal isn't to shame your coping modes either.

They developed as ways of managing emotional pain and protecting you.

But we do want to recognise when they're active.

We want to understand how they influence our interpretations and behaviour.

And ultimately, we want to strengthen the part of ourselves that can make decisions with greater wisdom, perspective and self-awareness.

Think of your Wise Self as the captain of the ship.

Your other parts may have important feelings and concerns that deserve attention.

But your Wise Self needs to be the one steering.

Learning to date from your wisdom rather than your wound

If you've experienced a history of painful relationships, particularly with emotionally unavailable, avoidant or controlling partners, understanding your schemas and modes can be an important part of changing those patterns.

It helps you recognise why certain people feel so compelling.

It helps you understand why you might overlook concerning behaviour, suppress your needs or become preoccupied with securing someone's interest.

And it helps you develop a different way of responding.

You can learn to notice your vulnerability without allowing it to make all your decisions.

You can recognise your coping modes without automatically following them.

And you can strengthen your Wise Self so that you're better able to assess emotional availability, recognise healthy relationship behaviour and make choices that genuinely serve your wellbeing.

The aim is to learn to date from your wisdom rather than your wound.

Ready to understand and change your relationship patterns?

If you recognise yourself in these examples, this is exactly the kind of work I explore in Love Wisely, my self-paced, schema-informed relationship programme for women.

Through Love Wisely, you'll learn to understand the schemas, coping modes and old emotional expectations that make up your Love Template, and how these can influence who you're attracted to, what you tolerate and the choices you make in relationships.

The aim is to develop greater self-awareness, strengthen your Healthy Adult and begin creating a healthier blueprint for love.

Explore the Love Wisely self-study programme or listen to Episode 142 of my Healing for Love podcast, Why Dating Feels So Confusing: The Three Voices That Show Up on Every Date.

Dr Gemma Gladstone is a former Clinical Psychologist with 28 years of experience and an Advanced Certified Schema Therapist, Trainer and Supervisor. She now works as a Schema and Relationship Coach, helping women understand and change longstanding patterns in dating and relationships.