The Dating Advice I Give Every Woman Looking for an Emotionally Available Partner

By Dr Gemma Gladstone | Schema and Relationship Coach, Former Clinical Psychologist

If you're looking for an emotionally available partner and a healthy, committed relationship, I want to share some of the advice I regularly give the women I work with.

Many of my clients come to me because they've had a history of relationships with emotionally unavailable partners. Sometimes these partners have been narcissistic or controlling. Others have been emotionally inhibited, avoidant or simply unable to offer the kind of relationship these women were looking for.

Some women have spent years in situationships. Others have come out of long marriages and are wondering whether they can face dating again, particularly when they've already experienced so much heartache.

And some are at a stage of life where they want to meet a partner and start a family, so time feels particularly important.

Whatever your circumstances, the goal is similar. You want to meet someone who is emotionally available, compatible and genuinely interested in building a relationship.

But how do you go about finding that person, particularly if your previous relationships have followed a familiar and painful pattern?

This is where I think we need to look at both the practical side of dating and the deeper psychological patterns that influence our relationship decisions.

First, understand the patterns you may be bringing into dating

In my work, I use Schema Therapy to help women understand why they can find themselves repeatedly attracted to, or involved with, partners who are emotionally unavailable.

Some of the schemas I commonly see include:

• Abandonment: A deep fear of losing connection or being left.

• Emotional Deprivation: An expectation that your emotional needs won't really be understood or met.

• Defectiveness: A deeply held belief that you're somehow not good enough or unlovable.

• Self-Sacrifice: A tendency to put other people's needs ahead of your own, often to your detriment.

• Subjugation: Suppressing your needs, feelings or preferences to avoid conflict, rejection or other negative consequences.

These schemas can influence who we feel attracted to, what feels familiar, how we respond to uncertainty and whether we stay in relationships that aren't meeting our needs.

Often, it's the unmet emotional need that feels familiar.

This is an important part of understanding your Love Template, the hidden psychological map that can shape your attraction and relationship choices.

The good news is that we can become aware of these patterns and begin to change them.

We can't change other people. But we can change the things within ourselves that make us vulnerable to pursuing unsuitable partners, overriding our instincts or staying in relationships long after we've recognised that something isn't right.

So, with that in mind, let's look at some practical dating advice.

1. Widen your dating pool and reconsider your usual 'type'

If you're using dating apps, one of the first things I want you to think about is who you're discounting.

Perhaps you've always had a particular type. You know the kind of man you're attracted to, and you tend to swipe past anyone who doesn't fit that image.

But if your usual type has repeatedly led you towards emotionally unavailable partners, it might be time to experiment with something different.

I sometimes ask women to think about attraction on a scale from zero to ten.

You might see someone and immediately think they're an eight, nine or ten. They're exactly your type, and you feel that instant pull.

But what about someone who's a six?

Someone who looks pleasant enough, seems kind and has some interesting qualities, but doesn't immediately set your world on fire?

I'd encourage you to give that person a chance.

You don't have to feel instantly attracted to someone to discover that you might enjoy getting to know them.

And I'm certainly not suggesting that you should force yourself to be attracted to someone.

The point is to widen your repertoire a little.

If you've historically been drawn towards high chemistry relationships that haven't worked out, be open to discovering attraction that develops more gradually.

This is particularly important if you're vulnerable to what I call the Chemistry Trap, where a strong sense of attraction can override your judgement about compatibility.

And please, don't rule someone out simply because they're holding up a fish in their dating profile!

There are far more important things to be concerned about.

2. Meet sooner rather than later

One of the downsides of online dating is how time-consuming it can become.

You can spend days or weeks chatting with someone, building up an impression of them, only to discover that they're not particularly interested in meeting.

Some people are on dating apps because they enjoy the attention or the correspondence. Others are simply not ready to date.

If you're looking for a committed relationship, you don't want to spend weeks investing in someone who isn't interested in meeting you.

My advice is to have a few exchanges and then suggest meeting.

If they're consistently hesitant or unwilling to meet, that's useful information.

You don't need to keep pursuing the conversation.

Remember, you're trying to find someone who is available for a real relationship, and that means being available to meet and get to know you.

Of course, safety is paramount.

Always arrange a first meeting in a public place. Don't meet someone for the first time in their home or another private location.

Your physical and emotional safety are fundamental needs, and they should always come first.

3. Keep the first date simple and low-key

I often recommend a casual coffee date for the first meeting.

Something during the day, perhaps on a Saturday or Sunday morning, in a café or another neutral public place.

You don't need an elaborate dinner date with alcohol and several hours together.

You're meeting someone you don't yet know. You don't even know whether you'll enjoy spending an hour talking with them!

I've heard advice suggesting that women shouldn't accept a coffee date because a man should demonstrate his interest by taking them somewhere expensive.

I don't agree with that.

A casual first meeting is practical and sensible.

You're simply getting a sense of what this person is like.

Do they seem pleasant? Are they curious about you? Is there some mutual interest? Do you feel comfortable talking with them?

Keep it relatively short, perhaps around an hour, and have other things to do afterwards.

The first date is an opportunity to gather information. It isn't an audition for a relationship.

4. Stop focusing so much on whether they like you

This is one of the most important pieces of dating advice I give women.

When you're meeting someone new, notice where your attention goes.

Are you spending most of the date wondering whether they're attracted to you?

Whether you're saying the right things?

Whether you're making a good impression?

Whether they'll want to see you again?

If you have schemas around abandonment, defectiveness or approval-seeking, you may find yourself becoming very focused on the other person's reactions.

But I want you to bring the focus back to yourself.

How do you feel with this person?

Are you enjoying the conversation?

Do you feel comfortable?

Are you interested in getting to know them?

Are they showing curiosity about you?

Dating is about gathering information. I often describe it as dating as data.

You're learning about the other person, but you're also learning about your own experience of being with them.

And that information matters.

If you've enjoyed the date and would be happy to see them again, there's nothing wrong with saying so.

You might simply say:

"It was lovely to meet you. I really enjoyed our conversation. I'd be happy to catch up again."

You don't need complicated dating rules or strategies.

Be genuine, friendly and honest.

5. Be yourself rather than presenting a perfect dating persona

As you begin having a few dates with someone, I want you to pay attention to whether you're showing up as your authentic self.

Some women feel they need to present a particular version of themselves when dating.

Perhaps they want to appear easy-going, independent, endlessly accommodating or completely without needs.

Others feel pressure to be impressive, entertaining or perfect.

You might notice yourself filling every gap in the conversation, agreeing with things you don't really agree with, or holding back opinions because you're worried about how they'll be received.

These are the kinds of dating personas and coping responses I explore in my work.

They can be subtle, but they're important.

If you're already editing yourself or suppressing your preferences during the first few dates, it's worth paying attention to that.

A healthy relationship needs room for the real you.

You want someone to get to know your personality, your opinions, your preferences and the different sides of who you are.

And you want to feel increasingly comfortable being yourself as the relationship develops.

6. Don't fall in love with someone's potential

This is a big one.

It's what I call the Hope Trap.

It's very easy to become attached to what you think someone could become, rather than looking at who they actually are.

Perhaps you think:

"He'll be more available once work settles down."

"He'll want a relationship once he's had more time after his divorce."

"He'll become more affectionate once he gets to know me."

"If he develops stronger feelings for me, he'll change his mind."

Of course, people can grow and change.

But you cannot build a healthy relationship on the assumption that someone will eventually become the person you need them to be.

Look at the person sitting opposite you right now.

Who are they today?

What are they actually offering?

How are they treating you?

Are they emotionally available now?

Are they looking for the same kind of relationship?

Be careful about allowing fantasy and projection to fill the gaps between what you want and what is actually happening.

This can be particularly difficult if you have an Abandonment Schema, because the desire to secure connection can make you more inclined to overlook incompatibility or warning signs.

Pursue a relationship based on reality, rather than potential.

7. Be honest about wanting a committed relationship

If you're looking for a long-term relationship, there's absolutely nothing wrong with saying so.

You don't need to pretend you're happy with something casual if that's not what you want.

If someone asks what you're looking for, you can simply say:

"I'm looking for a long-term relationship with the right person."

That's a perfectly reasonable thing to want.

And if you're hoping to start a family, it's important to be honest about that too.

Not everybody is dating with the same intentions.

Some people are looking for casual sex or a short-term connection. Others are genuinely interested in building a committed relationship.

There's nothing inherently wrong with wanting something casual, provided that's what both people want.

But if you're looking for a life partner, you need to pay attention when someone tells you they aren't interested in anything serious.

Don't automatically assume they'll change their mind once they get to know you.

They might not.

And you don't want to invest months or years hoping that someone will eventually want what you've wanted all along.

Take what people tell you about their relationship intentions seriously.

8. Consider delaying sexual intimacy while you assess the connection

This is another topic I discuss regularly with women who are looking for long-term partners.

Sometimes women worry that if they don't have sex within the first few dates, the man will lose interest.

But if someone loses interest because you're not ready for sexual intimacy, that tells you something useful about whether your needs and intentions are compatible.

My advice is to give yourself time to establish some emotional intimacy and a sense of emotional safety before becoming sexually involved.

This is particularly important if you have a strong Abandonment Schema or a history of becoming attached to emotionally unavailable partners.

For some women, sexual intimacy can intensify attachment and make it much harder to evaluate the relationship clearly.

You may find yourself becoming more invested, more hopeful and more inclined to overlook warning signs.

I sometimes call this red flag blindness.

You begin to recognise that something isn't quite right, but another part of you is already very attached.

So think carefully about what works for you.

This isn't about moral judgement or rigid rules about when you should have sex.

It's about making choices that support your emotional wellbeing and your longer-term relationship goals.

9. Look for the gradual development of emotional intimacy

So what does emotional availability actually look like when you're dating someone?

One of the most important things I encourage women to look for is the gradual development of emotional intimacy.

As you spend time together, you should begin to feel that you're getting to know each other more deeply.

There's growing curiosity.

You're learning more about each other's lives, values, experiences and feelings.

There's a mutual desire to spend time together.

And importantly, the connection progresses.

It doesn't have to happen quickly.

In fact, healthy attraction and emotional intimacy often develop in a relatively calm, steady way.

But there should be some sense of movement.

Perhaps you've had a lovely fourth date, spent several hours talking and felt that the connection was beginning to deepen.

Then you see each other again, and it feels as though you're back at square one.

There's no progression.

The relationship remains superficial, and you begin to wonder whether you're imagining the connection.

If this happens repeatedly, it's worth paying attention.

Sometimes it reflects a person who struggles with emotional intimacy or has avoidant coping patterns.

Other times, it may simply mean that they're interested in a casual relationship rather than a committed one.

Either way, you need to look at what's actually happening.

Healthy emotional intimacy involves mutuality.

Both people are interested in getting to know each other, and both are participating in the development of the relationship.

Emotional availability also means having time for a relationship

Someone might be a lovely person and genuinely enjoy your company, but still be unavailable for the kind of relationship you're looking for.

Perhaps they've recently separated, have significant family responsibilities, are planning to move overseas or simply don't have the time or emotional capacity to invest in a relationship.

That doesn't make them a bad person.

But it may make them unsuitable for you.

A relationship needs time, attention and care to develop.

If someone consistently has very little time for you, it's difficult for a meaningful connection to grow.

And what matters here is what you want.

If you're at a stage of life where you're happy with occasional companionship, a couple of dinners a week and a relatively independent arrangement, that may suit you perfectly.

But if you're looking for a committed life partner, you need someone who has the capacity and willingness to build that kind of relationship.

10. Learn to recognise when your schemas are overriding your judgement

This is perhaps the most important part of everything I've discussed.

You can learn all the red flags in the world.

You can become very good at identifying emotionally unavailable partners.

But recognising a warning sign and acting on it are two different things.

In my experience, many women are actually quite good at noticing when something doesn't feel right.

The difficulty comes when they begin overriding their own judgement.

One part of them recognises that the relationship isn't meeting their needs.

Another part is already attached, hopeful or frightened of losing the connection.

This is where schemas and what I call the Love Traps can become particularly powerful.

You may feel intense chemistry with someone who isn't compatible.

You may hold on to hope that they'll change.

You may become increasingly invested in making the relationship work, even when you're doing most of the emotional work.

And gradually, you can find yourself staying in something that isn't good for you.

The aim is to develop enough awareness of your schemas that you can recognise these patterns earlier and make healthier decisions.

But how do you know whether it's your schema or a genuine warning sign?

This is an excellent question, and it's something I regularly help clients work through.

Let's say you've started seeing someone and they don't respond to a message as quickly as you expected.

If you have a strong Abandonment Schema, that might activate a great deal of anxiety.

You may immediately start worrying that they're losing interest or preparing to leave.

But the person you're dating may actually be reliable, emotionally available and genuinely interested in you.

In that situation, your schema may be interpreting something relatively ordinary as a threat.

On the other hand, perhaps you're dating someone who is consistently unreliable, unavailable, dismissive or unwilling to make time for you.

Your feelings of insecurity may be responding to something very real.

So we need to examine both.

What's happening inside you, and what's actually happening in the relationship?

What is your schema telling you?

And what does the evidence show?

Are this person's words and behaviour consistent?

Are they making time for you?

Is emotional intimacy developing?

Are your needs being considered?

Do you feel increasingly comfortable and secure, or are you becoming more anxious, uncertain and deprived?

This is where Schema Therapy provides such a useful framework.

It helps us understand our internal patterns while also looking clearly at the reality of the relationship.

We want to become better at distinguishing between old fears and genuine incompatibility.

And importantly, we want to be able to act on what we learn.

Final thoughts: Date with awareness, not just hope

If there's one thing I want you to take away from this article, it's that finding an emotionally available partner involves more than meeting the right person.

It also involves getting yourself into the best possible position to recognise a healthy connection, make good decisions and move away from relationships that aren't right for you.

That means understanding your schemas, recognising your Love Traps and becoming more aware of the ways you might override your own instincts.

It means allowing yourself to get to know people gradually, paying attention to compatibility and emotional availability, and being willing to leave situations that aren't meeting your needs.

And it means remembering that your time matters.

I've spoken before about my own experiences in my twenties and early thirties, when I spent time emotionally invested in men who weren't available to me.

I know how easy it can be to become caught in hope, chemistry and attachment.

And I know how much precious time can be lost in relationships that aren't going anywhere.

My hope for you is that you can approach dating with greater clarity, self-trust and awareness, so that you give yourself the best possible opportunity to build a healthy, emotionally fulfilling relationship.

You deserve to have your needs considered, to feel emotionally safe and to be in a relationship where connection and intimacy can grow.

Want to understand your own relationship patterns?

If you've recognised some of these patterns in yourself, my Love Wisely self-study course is designed to help you understand the schemas and Love Traps influencing your attraction, dating choices and relationships.

Through practical lessons, reflection exercises and psychological insights, I'll guide you through identifying your existing Love Template and beginning to create a new one.

[Explore the Love Wisely Self-Study Course]

I also offer 1:1 Schema and Relationship Coaching for women who would like personalised support in understanding and changing persistent relationship patterns.

[Learn More About 1:1 Coaching]

Prefer to listen?

This article is adapted from Episode 143 of my podcast, Healing for Love.

Episode 143: The Dating Advice I Give Every Woman Looking for an Emotionally Available Partner

[Listen to Episode 143]

Dr Gemma Gladstone is a former clinical psychologist and Advanced Certified Schema Therapist, Trainer and Supervisor. She now works as a Schema and Relationship Coach, helping women understand and change the deeper psychological patterns influencing their relationships.